He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something small out, and said to me, low voice humming, “I have something for you.” He opened his palm and rolled a tube over revealing a travel size first aid cream. “Your arm,” he requested.
Fear flashed through me. It was pretty dark in that bar, and the music blared, but we were still in public and my tiny, sunburned arms were way too skinny to be the center of anyone’s attention, let alone this beautiful man’s. I hesitated.
“Give him your arm!” John shouted.
“Prescription from the vacation doctor,” Sandy approved.
“Permission to have fun,” Todd nodded.
Chloe scowled. (A Single Pearl, Chapter Two).
Icons: plus sign ‘+’ to denote good, minus ‘-’ not, and a ‘?’ for obvious.
Lisa: + Todd/eyeglasses; like Lee and Kerri Ann’s moment alone at table, Why did friends come back to the table? Took a little long. + Tongue across lips. Like the dance floor experience, her exit from the bar. “Self-preservation“ has me wondering. ‘What are you thinking?’ ‘Sorry, 7th grade Billy…’ Transition from going to sleep to friends in room rough.
Melanie: +Todd; +she smiled into glass, +when Lee said, ‘Relax.’ -Walk you home–wouldn‘t she be a little nervous about him walking her home? ++Seventh grade Billy. More inner thought during prejudice scene.
Pam: I like hearing her thoughts about Lee — he is soooo dreamy…I think. Your writing is very distinct and has clear voice. I have question about green and dust, pine and needles. ‘Blessed,’ maybe take one out (?) ‘cooling cream’ might be enough. Chloe: is there any indication she is prejudiced prior to this?
EDITS: a little more tipsy tumble when Kerri Ann’s friends return to the room from the bar, wove in a hint in prior part of chapter about Chloe’s taste in men, ‘blonder the better,’ helped ready the reader for her reaction to a friend dating an Asian, deleted a mini-scene in the bar-friends running back and forth from the dance floor, per Lisa’s suggestion, tightened the scene up better.
PRIOR EDITS: Earlier, I took out they found their Hawaii hotel on the internet, an obvious ploy to ground the reader in the present, but it didn’t add anything of merit. Also, at one point Kerri Ann listened to country western music on an ipod; that also hit the recycling bin, along with a song she warbled in Part II, ‘Oh, Lee-lee, you owe me a Car-car.” Gads, you have no idea how much this has improved, lucky for you. Me? I’ve had all the hard work after the hard knocks.